I’m sitting down not knowing what I’m going to write but just want to share my heart with you. Christmas for 2017 has passed. The decorations are up still holding on. A new year before all of us is just around the corner.
Unfortunately I often find myself wishing I were somewhere else, a different place, a different state of mind, a different version of myself. What am I fearful of? Others opinions, failure, my own expectations? Christmas has a gravitational way of bringing us into the preciousness of the moments of now. Memories are being created for a lifetime or loved ones who have left us join our minds and hearts again so strongly for the holiday time.
I ate so much junk food over Christmas I made my blood pressure sore and my head pound, and yet there was no where else I would have rather been. Here with my family, here in a place I know, with people who have been around me my whole life. As I look forward, I am refreshed with the inspiration not to care. Let me explain.
When your heart is full, it does not focus on what is lacking, how you are not measuring up. I am feeling an authority run through my veins that I have not felt for some time and for that I am grateful. My husband and I have gone far beyond even our own expectations and are in a land we have never been before in together, the unknown in this unmapped land of submission.
This is the part of my husband I could not live without. It is easy to make something happen. Easy to strive or fill in the gaps that scream, “How is this productive for God’s kingdom?!?!” We like to stay workers. We like to earn our approval. And yet, my husband and I have been forced to let God adorn us as nothing less than a son and daughter. We will receive our inheritance that our father earned. He gives it gladly, with abundance and pride.
Nothing is too difficult for God, nothing too hard for him to orchestrate or arrange. He is not questioning Joel or I’s value in this season. In our rest, in our waiting, we remain as valuable as his son, as valuable as himself.
This voice on my back of need to defend my worth through my ‘ministry’ has been loud and been driving. It has stolen my rest and my peace. But I think after an unending series of days, not having answers to anyone’s questions, I think it may finally be dead. And again I find that God has done something inside of me that I could not have seen or accomplished on my own. I get to just be. I am enough.
His love will continue. His love will remain and he will never fail us, never abandon us, and never give up doing whatever he wants to in our lives. Even now there are new sprouts growing in the ground. Little things walked by and recognized by no one. But that’s okay. They weren’t planted to be seen by others.
The new growth comes from the land of not caring. It’s not that there is no value in anything. Exactly the opposite. Everything is filled with such value, you care nothing for the things that really don’t matter–like attention or praise or acceptance by others.
I had a dream the other night where I was in front of an audience doing something that everyone else belittled in their mind and I didn’t care one bit and proceeded to pursue my interests and activities. After the event was over I was continued to be scorned even by prostitutes as that person who did something that everybody thought was meaningless and stupid. I still didn’t care and was glad to be me. And it felt good. Really good. Who cares. Be you.